


Until you return home

by bubun_ji



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Bokuaka - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oneshot, a world and his star, kinda sad, kuroo and konoha are good friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27141749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubun_ji/pseuds/bubun_ji
Summary: Akaashi Keiji is in love with a star- a galaxy of sorts.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 16
Kudos: 56





	Until you return home

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so a couple things before we start. The first is this is my first fic, so please be nice! I'm not really a writer but this idea came to my mind and I had to do it. Secondly, Thank you to everyone who beta read for me and SPECIAL thanks to viv for helping me with grammar and spelling and stuff. You are the mvp and I love you. Third is I'm probably gonna draw scenes from this so if you wanna check out my twitter/ insta they're both bubun.ji  
> [a spotify playlist for your listening pleasure](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1yqPHTpXyMAF3KWev8BspA?si=pw4GhR9ZQxuETVOeNfSgxA)
> 
> anyways enjoy!

Akaashi wiped the sweat from his brow while simultaneously taking a large swig from his water bottle. The squeaking of sneakers on the gym floor barely reached his ears. Nothing was quite processing in his brain like it should be, and Akaashi wished he could say he didn’t know why. Everything else going on around him seemed so insignificant when compared to the galaxy that was currently fixing his knee pads. Akaashi groaned, pressing his fingernails into the palm of his free hand. He needed to stop putting the other on a pedestal or the remaining months of his second year were going to be hell on earth. Akaashi inhaled deeply and corrected his train of thought. He was a boy. Bokuto Koutarou was just a boy. He wasn’t a galaxy that encompassed every and all things. He wasn’t made up of the cosmos, and he didn’t have suns for irises. He was simply a third year boy.

“Akaashi?” The galaxy- _no,_ Bokuto, called out. “Somethin’ wrong? You seem kinda stuck in your head.”

Akaashi cursed Bokuto’s innate ability to see right through him. “Yeah, I’m fine Bokuto-san. Just a little tired from practice.” Akaashi said with a little half smile.

“Ah, I see. We have been practicing pretty hard huh?” Bokuto answered with a smile that made Akaashi’s heart stutter. “But it feels good right? Knowing you’re giving it your all?”

Akaashi merely nodded, opting to take another drink of water.

“Hey Akaashi?”

Akaashi directed his attention back to Bokuto, even if it hadn’t left him for very long, and hummed so Bokuto knew he was listening.

“Do you think you could come over and help me with some math homework tonight? I keep getting stumped on this one problem, and I have a test next week, and I think it’s gonna be on there,” Bokuto all but pleaded. “I really can’t fail this one Akaashi! I’m already on thin fuckin’ ice here and it doesn’t make any sense to me!”

Akaashi rolled his eyes. “Well, were you paying attention in class?” He teased, raising an eyebrow. 

The older boy seemed to deflate a little bit, and looked off to the side. “I mean I _tried_ , but math is so boring! Who cares about statistics! You don’t have to do all that experiment bull, just google the answer!” Bokuto wailed.

Akaashi snickered, shaking his head. “Bokuto-san, someone has to do the experiment in order for Google to have the answer.”

Bokuto froze momentarily at that, the gears in his brain turning. A small little pout had settled on his face, and Akaashi wanted nothing more than to kiss it away. Akaashi mentally scolded himself again, and dug his nails deeper into his hand. “I mean I guess you’re right, but I still think it’s dumb.” Bokuto huffed, finally pushing himself off the wood floor, offering a hand to Akaashi. 

The second year gratefully took it, relishing the feeling of Bokuto’s calloused hand grasping his. Just another small little detail that spoke volumes about Bokuto’s person. At least to Akaashi it did. Akaashi’s lips twitched slightly, threatening to break out into a smile if he didn’t redirect his thoughts.

“Thank you.” Akaashi said, pulling his hand back, hoping that by doing so, the spell that Bokuto had over him would break. It didn’t, much to his dismay.

Bokuto smiled at him in turn before looking back at the court. “ I’m gonna practice some serves before we gotta head out. Wanna join?”

“In a second. I need to let my mom know I’m going to your house.” Bokuto seemed to accept that as an answer, nodding before he ran off. 

Akaashi took that moment to take a deep breath. He hadn’t even realized he’d been holding it until the burning sensation in his chest was almost blaring. Akaashi hated this. He hated that with one simple touch, Bokuto was able to not only take his breath away, but his entire ability to think rationally as well. The latter was something he prided himself on, it was a key part of his personality, and yet here he was. Whenever he was around Bokuto, his head seemed to be in the clouds, if not higher than that. The sensation that he was floating always lingered long after their interactions, like gravity no longer applied to him. He hated that despite that he felt like he was losing control, he didn’t mind if it was Bokuto. He was ok with floating away into unknown universes as long as he could see Bokuto with his smile made of stars, twinkling so bright they threatened to blind him. The thought was horrifying and scared him to no end, and always left the poor boy scrambling for anything that would keep him tethered to the earth. And unfortunately for Akaashi, the only thing that seemed to ground him when he was up in space was the small stinging pain that came with burying his nails into his palm. After doing just that, Akaashi walked over to his gym bag and texted his mother that he wouldn’t be home until later.

“Akaashi! Hurry up!” Bokuto called.

“Coming, Bokuto-san!” Akaashi answered as he tucked his phone back into his bag and jogged onto the court. He picked a ball out from one of the carts on the sidelines before making his way over to where Bokuto was.

“Jeez, took you long enough.” Bokuto teased before tossing the ball he had been holding up in the air and serving it. Akaashi quietly admired Bokuto’s form, but not for long as he didn’t want to get sucked into the galaxy’s- _Fuck_. Why was it so hard for him to keep his head straight nowadays? Ever since he’d had the realization that he liked Bokuto- he contemplated if he loved him, but wasn’t so sure about the specifics of that- he couldn’t think clearly and was easily distracted. Akaashi attempted to clear his mind and tried to focus on his serve. Akaashi went through the motions like always, only to have his serve go straight into the net. 

“Man, Akaashi. You’ve been kinda out of it this week...Are you sure you’re ok?” Bokuto asked, tilting his head to the side.

“Yeah, like I said, I’m just tired.” Akaashi lied, brushing off the question.

“Ok...Well, you better rest up before our next game. Can’t have you flailing. I need you out there!” Bokuto said, before hitting another serve. “In order for me to _be_ the best, I gotta hit the best spikes, and in order to hit the best spikes, I gotta have the best sets! And your sets are the best!” Bokuto explained cheerily.

Akaashi knew that the best spikes didn’t necessarily come from the best sets, and Bokuto could practically hit anything that came his way...but hearing that Bokuto needed him made him feel like he was floating away again. Akaashi scrambled, trying to get a hold of anything that could keep his feet on the floor. “I’ll do my best Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto nodded. He didn’t seem like he fully believed Akaashi’s excuse of being tired, but he didn’t pry any further. 

Akaashi once again pressed his nails into the fleshy part of his palm, hoping that it went unnoticed by Bokuto.

\--

Not too long after, the coach announced that practice was over and it was time to pack things up. Akaashi got to work collecting the volleyballs littered around the gym, scooping them in his arms before unceremoniously dumping them into the carts nearby. With the additional help of Konoha and Washio, along with Bokuto, Sarukui, and Komi sweeping the floors and taking down the net, they made quick work of cleaning up. Before long, everyone was bidding each other goodbye, and Akaashi was walking with Bokuto to his house. Bokuto’s house wasn’t very far from the school, which Akaashi was grateful for. His limbs felt like they weighed twenty thousand pounds and whether that was from emotional or physical exhaustion he’d never know.

Bokuto exhaled loudly, drawing Akaashi’s attention away from his aching body.

“What are you doing?” Akaashi asked as Bokuto repeated the action.

“It’s getting cold enough that I can see my breath. Look!” Bokuto exhaled again, his breath visible under the glow of the streetlight. “You do it too!”

Akaashi smiled. “I suppose it is getting to be that time of year again.” Akaashi decided he’d indulge Bokuto, and watched as his own breath became visible in the cold night air. 

Bokuto had a toothy grin on his face as he looked up at the sky. “The stars seem brighter tonight.”

“Do they?” Akaashi responded, looking up. He couldn’t tell. 

“Yeah.” Bokuto didn’t say anything else, simply content to look at the night sky.

Akaashi lowered his gaze, and tried to admire Bokuto as inconspicuously as possible. His eyes followed the line of his jaw, the slope of his nose. It was only when Akaashi was making a mental map of all the places that he longed to kiss, did he realize Bokuto was looking at him curiously. Akaashi did his best to act natural and looked back up at the stars while fiddling with his hands. The fact Bokuto wasn’t saying anything either left him with a uncomfortable lump in his throat. Akaashi quickly glanced at Bokuto to find the older boy was once again looking at the sky, a faint smile on his lips. 

\--

It took the two about five more minutes before they arrived at the Bokuto residence. They kicked their shoes off at the entrance before making a b-line to Bokuto’s bedroom, knowing that if Akaashi was spotted by his mom, he’d be roped into talking to her until he had to leave. It wasn’t that Akaashi didn’t like her, she was just a bit of a chatterbox.

Bokuto flopped on his bed and groaned. “What if I just went to bed?”

Akaashi laughed lightly as he put his bags down. “I thought I was here to help you study?” Akaashi made his way over to his friend, and sat next to him, amused.

“Plans can change, Akaashi.”

“So can your grade if you don’t study, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi teased, poking Bokuto’s bicep. “Now go get your homework. When’s your test?”

“Thursday,” Bokuto grumbled, not moving from his spot. 

“Ok, so you still have time. Why don’t we work on your homework for about an hour and a half, and then we can watch a movie or something. Since it’s Friday I can stay a bit later if you want me to.” Akaashi said, pushing his dark curls out of his face.

“Fine,” Bokuto whined, pushing himself up. “Can we watch Bill and Ted?” He asked as he dug through his messy backpack for a pencil and his notebook.

“Again?” Akaashi asked with a laugh. “We’ve seen that like twenty times already.”

“Ok and? It’s like the best movie franchise to ever exist!” Bokuto exclaimed, the thoughts of homework already forgotten.

“I wouldn’t say it’s the _best_ , but it is pretty good.” Akaashi admitted, flopping backwards on the bed. “If that’s really what you want to watch, I have no problem rewatching it with you.” He added. It was more likely than not that Akaashi would be paying more attention to his galaxy than whatever movie he put on. It took Akaashi a moment to catch his mistake, and he'd gotten to the point where he was too exhausted to chastise himself properly. Just this once he’d let himself accept that Bokuto Koutarou was his infinite. An accumulation of stardust that threatened to overtake him completely. And he’d be ok with it.

“Sweet!” Bokuto said, already setting up the movie.

“Hey, homework first. Movie later.” Akaashi half-heartedly scolded, tossing a pillow at the other boy. Bokuto easily dodged it, snickering. 

“We can do homework next time. Besides, you look like you’re ready to pass out. You’re not much help to me if you’re asleep. Also, you’re mean when you’re tired.” Bokuto pointed out, earning him a scoff.

“I’m not _mean_. Simply less tolerant.” Akaashi corrected.

“Tornado, tomahto.” Bokuto said dismissively.

Akaashi froze, sitting up a little bit. “What did you just say?” 

Bokuto looked at Akaashi, a little meek. “Tornado, tomahto?”

“You do know the saying is tomato, tomahto right?” Akaashi said amused.

“Yes….” Bokuto said, his tone clearly indicating that no, he did _not_ know. And somehow Akaashi found himself thinking the whole thing was unbearably endearing.

Bokuto started the movie which played on the small tv across from them, and sat on the floor against his bed. Akaashi didn’t even try to press the fact that Bokuto should be doing his homework, shifting from his back to his stomach. For now he was just content to lay down and resume his earlier activity of admiring Bokuto. _His cheeks are kinda chubby_ , Akaashi thought, a soft semi-smile cementing itself on Akaashi’s face. Akaashi would never understand how Bokuto’s features managed to be the perfect balance of harsh lines and soft curves. He wondered if he could pinpoint where the exact spot where the two melded together. Akaashi’s eyes eventually traveled upwards to meet Bokuto’s eyes, a place he never dared to stay for long. The second year couldn’t even fathom how something as small as an iris could encapsulate so _much_. Akaashi felt like he could travel to different worlds just by peering into them, and he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to come back. Suddenly, those magnificent and dangerous eyes were boring into him, enticing him to come closer.

Akaashi jumped slightly and directed his line of sight elsewhere, pleading to every god there was that Bokuto didn’t realize he was staring.

“It’s ok, you know.” Bokuto said quietly. “You don't have to keep looking away.” His voice was barely above a whisper, like he was walking on eggshells.

Akaashi didn’t say anything. He didn’t even know what to say. Luckily for him, Bokuto did the talking for him.

“I really don’t mind.” Bokuto added. He was silent for a moment as he looked worriedly at Akaashi, whose head was buried in his arms. Bokuto cleared his throat, and resumed speaking. “Whenever you look at me, your smile actually reaches your eyes, or at least that’s what I think… so I promise I really don’t mind.” Bokuto repeated.

Akaashi’s eyes snapped back over to Bokuto, his heart pounding. He noticed. Of course he fucking noticed. It’d be hard to not notice someone ogling you like that. Akaashi pushed himself off the bed, shakily collecting his things. “I have to go home.” He muttered.

“Wait, Akaashi. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. Please don’t go.” Bokuto pleaded, scrambling to his feet. 

Akaashi power walked out of the room, and _fuck_ he was floating again. How the hell was he supposed to get to the door when he was on the ceiling? He tried pressing his nails into his hand, but it wasn’t working. He was too flustered to concentrate. Akaashi grasped the edge of the nearest wall and propelled himself forward.

“Akaashi, please wait.” Bokuto said, following him out into the hall.

Akaashi could feel himself start to panic, the feeling rising in his chest. He positioned himself so he was standing on the ceiling before pushing himself down towards the floor. He quickly grabbed his shoes before he started to rise again, writhing in mid air to get his bearings. He managed to grab hold of the door, just opening it barely so he could slip through.

“Keiji!” Called the galaxy, the very sound of his voice nearly pulling Akaashi back. Akaashi knew his best chance of escape was to let go of the door frame and let himself fly away, but he was scared what would happen if he couldn’t find anything to keep himself from going too far. The galaxy’s footsteps came closer, the sound like meteorites crashing in his ears. Akaashi squeezed his eyes shut and let the door frame slip out of his fingers, and accepted that he was sky bound. When he finally opened his eyes, he could see Bokuto looking up at him, reaching out. The hurt expression on his face made Akaashi’s stomach clench painfully. The younger boy was grateful when he rose high enough that he was out of view, now only the memory of Bokuto’s barely contained frown plaguing him. 

\--

It had been a good thirty minutes since Akaashi ran away from Bokuto, and he wanted nothing more than to disappear amongst the stars. He was humiliated, to say the least. Bokuto knew. He had to. Bokuto may not have been the greatest at academics, but over time Akaashi realized he was actually very emotionally intelligent. He’d always been able to read not only Akaashi, but the other members of Fukurodani as well, with relative ease, pulling them back into the game when need be. Akaashi lips parted into a reminiscent smile at the thought. _Whenever you look at me, your smile actually meets your eyes._ Akaashi groaned at the memory, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes, as if the pressure would erase his embarrassment. _Well, at least he didn’t reject me_ , Akaashi thought, although a part of him wished he had. It wasn’t a rejection, but it wasn’t a reciprocation either. It was an acceptance more than anything. A shaky midpoint between the two options. A flat out rejection would have been easier. Rejection didn’t give him some semblance of hope. Akaashi all but laughed at that. Hope. As if he had a chance. 

Galaxies like Bokuto Koutarou were meant for so much more. He belonged amongst the stars, the untouchables a reckless few dared to join. To bring him down to Earth would be nothing short of a crime. He deserved to be center stage, up above the stratosphere where everyone below could gaze up at him, and remark at how beautiful he was. Akaashi had considered himself lucky to be by his side, even if he was light years behind, and now he’d ruined it. He didn’t even know where to go from here. Should he apologize? Distance himself? Akaashi knew he was too weak minded to cut himself off from Bokuto completely. No matter how far he was, he’d always be stuck in Bokuto’s gravitational field. Maybe he could just ignore the whole issue, and things would go back the way they were. Back to when Bokuto Koutarou was just a boy to him. 

Akaashi sighed loudly, aggravation seeping into his tone. He had already tried to think of Bokuto as just a boy, and clearly it wasn’t working. All the solutions he’d come up with in his _head_ weren’t panning out, so maybe he’d try the answers he felt in his _heart_. It sounded horrifically cheesy, but Akaashi was desperate and was at least willing to try. As he slowly wafted through Saturn’s rings, he pondered ways he could go about this differently. He hopped on chunks of ice and space debris, humming in thought as he made his way around. 

What did Akaashi even think about Bokuto before he was his galaxy? It’d been so long since then. Akaashi thought back to when he first saw Bokuto. _He’s a star_ . A star. Yes, that was it. God, he couldn’t believe he’d been so blind this whole time. In his head, everything was about efficiency. He was trying to rush everything, trying to make his thoughts come to a jarring halt, but things like this took _time_. He needed to take baby steps. Go from a hundred to fifty instead of zero. Bokuto would no longer be the galaxy that was the beginning and end to everything, but a star. A bright pinpoint in the sky. Unattainable still, but much more manageable to wrap his head around. Akaashi smiled slightly as he angled himself so his fingers could faze through the accumulation of stardust. The sudden chill of it made him shiver, but he continued to smile nonetheless. This would work. He was sure of it.

\--

Akaashi wasn’t completely sure how he got home, but when he woke up, he was snuggled up in his covers. Rays of light streamed into his bedroom, urging him out of his sleepy state. He was still in his clothes from the night before, and he could have sworn he saw a bit of ice and rock on the hem of his shirt. Akaashi pushed himself up, and wrapped his blanket around him as some of the events from the night before flooded his brain, overwhelming him to the point of a headache. He had never welcomed a Saturday more. He wouldn’t have to see Bokuto until practice on Monday, which gave him some time to come up with excuses for running off. Akaashi had never wished for additional homework, but right now he wished he had something to take his mind off everything.

“Keiji!” His mother called, “You have a visitor!” 

A visitor? Oh god. Was it Bokuto? Akaashi shifted so he could look outside and see if he could spot whoever was at the front door. Alas, he could not and hurriedly yelled back, “No thank you…?”

“Keiji! Come downstairs, now!” His mother replied, obviously not pleased with his answer. 

Akaashi wanted to slam his head against the wall, but instead he secured his blanket around himself and waddled downstairs.

Akaashi peeked around the corner, eyes narrowed. Well, on the bright side, it wasn’t Bokuto. “Konoha-san? What’re you doing here?”

Konoha smiled knowingly at him as he took off his shoes and closed the door behind him. “What? Can’t I visit my dear friend and teammate?”

“No.”

“I see you’re still not a morning person.” Konoha teased. “But fear not, Keiji Bear, your amazing -and not to mention gorgeous- senpai had brought gifts.” Konoha held up a cardboard tray with two cups of coffee and a bag filled with what Akaashi assumed were pastries.

Akaashi squinted at the other boy, contemplating whether the coffee was worth letting him in. “Fine. You can come in, but only if you agree to _never_ call me Keiji Bear again.”

“No promises, dude.” Konoha replied as he passed Akaashi on the stairs, letting himself into the younger boy’s room. The owner of said room let out a loud wail of annoyance before following.

Konoha made himself at home, playing with a trinket he’d found on Akaashi’s desk. “So you wanna tell me about last night?”

“Not particularly.” Akaashi mumbled as he face planted back onto his bed.

Konoha raised an eyebrow and approached Akaashi, grabbing the edge of his blanket, and unfurling him from his burrito. “Listen here. Bokuto’s been blowing up my fuckin’ phone ever since your fight-“

“It wasn’t a fight.” Akaashi interrupted crankily. 

“Well, ever since whatever the fresh fuck happened between you two, Bokuto’s been whining and bitching, and I dunno how much more I can take before I sucker punch the motherfucker.” Konoha grabbed one of the coffees that he’d set down on Akaashi’s desk, and held it out to him. “So drink this, get your shit together, and start talkin’ _._ I don’t have all fuckin’ day here.”

Akaashi glanced at the cup, then at Konoha, and back again before gingerly reaching out and securing the beverage between his palms. The warmth from the drink felt nice against Akaashi’s frigid fingers. He took a long, drawn out sip, relishing the bitterness that coated his tongue. “You remembered…”

“Of course I remembered. You’re the only bitch around here who’s crazy enough to like _black coffee_.” Konoha shivered in disgust. “I don’t know how you drink that stuff. It’s straight up nasty.” 

Akaashi shrugged, taking another slow sip as if the caffeine would give him a boost of courage.

“C’mon, ‘Kaashi. Just spit it out already. The suspense is killing me.”

“Don’t rush me.” Akaashi answered, visibly a little testy about the matter at hand. “I… I maybe sort of…” The words were lodged in his throat, clawing at his esophagus.

Konoha looked at him expectantly, hanging onto his words. 

The raven haired boy mentally prepared himself. Never in his life had three words frightened him more. He took a deep breath. “I like Bokuto-san.” Akaashi blurted, forcing the words out into the open, cheeks stained wine red.

Konoha stared at him in awe, making Akaashi’s skin crawl.

“Look I know I-“ Akaashi started before Konoha started laughing.

“ Well no fucking shit! The conbini clerk could have told you _that_.” Konoha wrapped his arms around his stomach as he doubled over in an uncontrollable fit of laughter. “This is too good!”

Now it was Akaashi’s turn to stare in awe. “What…? You knew?”

“My darling Keiji Bear, there has never been a more obvious crush in the history of ever. I could cut through the pining between you two. Shit was like a renewable resource,” Konoha joked, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye.

Akaashi pulled his knees to his chest. “It was…?” His voice was slightly strained. He hadn’t realized that his feelings for Fukurodani’s ace were common knowledge.

Konoha seemed to realize that his words were doing more harm than good, and tried to backtrack. “I think you should talk to him.”

“Absolutely not. I’ll save myself the embarrassment, thank you.” Akaashi grumbled.

Konoha ran a hand through his hair. Shit, how could he fix this…”You didn’t get a for sure answer yet, right? Like Bokuto didn’t outright say he didn’t like you?”

Akaashi looked at him, confused. “No...but why does it matter? He obviously doesn’t like me. At least, not in _that_ way.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know the for sure answer rather than drowning in what ifs? If you talked to him, then maybe you’d get, like, closure or something?”

Akaashi looked down at his socks, brow furrowed. He hated to admit it, but Konoha was right. In the pit of his stomach, a black hole had begun to form, already on the verge of devouring him. It made him nauseous.

“Will you at least think about it, please?” Konoha asked.

“I feel like I don’t have a choice anymore.” Akaashi answered.

Konoha nodded. Then a pause. “Hey can I ask you something?” Konoha asked warily.

“You’ve seemed to have no problem doing so until now,” Akaashi retorted.

Konoha grimaced at the snappiness of Akaashi’s response. “ Why are you acting like you already know how this is gonna play out?” 

“Because I do _._ ”

“How? You’re smart as hell, I’ll give you that, but you’re not a mind reader.” Konoha pointed out, leaning against the wall adjacent to Akaashi.

Akaashi grunted in frustration. “Because I just _do_ . He’s so much _more_ than me. Bokuto is lightyears away, and I’ve grown to accept that.”

“What the hell does that even _mean?_ He’s lightyears away? That doesn’t even make any fucking sense?!”

Akaashi suppressed the urge to pull his hair out. “Of course it doesn’t make any sense to you! You don’t see him like I do!”

Something seemed to click in Konoha’s brain, his eyes widening a tad. “Well then, help me out here. I see him as a fuckin moron who just happens to be good at volleyball. How do you see him?” Konoha asked, lowering his tone.

“Huh?” Akaashi looked at Konoha curiously. 

“Help me understand where you’re coming from. How do _you_ see Bokuto?” Konoha plopped down next to Akaashi, resting his elbows on his knees, and listening with rapt attention.

Akaashi fiddled with his fingers as he weighed the pros and cons of telling Konoha what he wanted to hear. Everything in his body screamed at him to keep his mouth shut, but the sincere look of interest on his senpai’s face swayed his decision.

“If he even just brushes his hand against mine,” Akaashi murmured, the tips of his fingers tracing the lines on his right hand,” I feel like I’m being catapulted into space. No, not catapulted. Pulled more like. God, I don’t even know how to describe it.” His fingers twitched as he recalled the feeling of Saturn’s rings ghosting his knuckles. “Bokuto is the definition of endless possibilities. He can do anything he sets his mind to, and it makes me so, _so_ proud of him.” Akaashi thought back to when the ace was still struggling hitting line shots. It had been upsetting to watch him struggle, especially when he was so prone to mood swings, but when he finally got the hang of it...It was so rewarding. “Whenever he achieves his goals, it’s like thousands of supernovae and cosmic giants are erupting behind his eyes and it takes my breath away to the point where my whole chest aches. And you’d think I’d despise the feeling, and I try to convince myself that I do, but I’m absolutely _infatuated_ with it. I can’t get enough. I practically lap it up like a starving dog. It’s pitiful and partly driven by my desperation, but I can’t help it. Bokuto makes me feel like the heavens aren’t so far, and it’s a place we could go on any given Saturday. And _fuck_ , when he looks at me, his eyes paint nebulae on my skin, and I’ve never felt so beautiful.” Akaashi was at near the point of gasping, weakly clinging on to any air he could force down his lungs so he could further explain the phenomena Bokuto Koutarou had implanted in his chest and left to fester. He felt like he was doing such a shitty job of explaining his feelings, and he wasn’t even covering all the bases, but it’s the best he could do.

Konoha was speechless, his mouth agape. He didn’t even know if there was any response that could properly follow that. The older of the two raked his hair back, processing everything that Akaashi just said. “Jesus fuck Akaashi, that was the most poetic shit I’ve ever heard.” 

Akaashi let out a breathy laugh. “It wasn’t supposed to be, but thank you.“ 

Neither of the boys said anything, letting the weight of Akaashi’s words settle.

“Well, you were certainly right about one thing,” Konoha said, breaking the silence. “We definitely view Bokuto in different lights. Jesus Christ ‘kaashi, is that really how you feel?”

Akaashi cast his gaze downward and nodded shyly.

Konoha let out a low whistle. “Damn, that’s pretty hardcore. I thought people only felt like that in Hallmark movies. Or those weird romance novels my mom buys for like a dollar at the grocery store.”

Akaashi snickered softly, combing a raven curl behind his ear. “I guess it was kinda sappy huh?”

“A little.” Konoha said with a shit-eating grin. “I bet it feels good to get off your chest though.”

Akaashi nodded once again.

“Bet it’d feel even better if you said it to Bokuto instead of me.”

“Konoha-san-” Akaashi started, his tone indicating that the other boy was crossing into dangerous territory.

“No, look here Akaashi. I know you think you’ve got everything planned out and perfectly calculated but trust me on this one. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.” Konoha reassured, patting Akaashi’s shoulder comfortingly. 

Akaashi looked at him questioningly. Was there something that Konoha-san wasn’t telling him?

Konoha simply winked before standing up. “Well, I think I’ve done my job here.”

“Wait, what do you mea-”

“Sorry, gotta head out. See you Monday, Keiji Bear.” With a wave of his hand, Konoha disappeared from sight, leaving Akaashi with a great deal of questions and an untouched bag of pastries.

\--

Akaashi pressed the tip of his fingernail into the pad of his opposite thumb. He knew he needed to talk to Bokuto, but curling up in a ball was so much more appealing. There were so many variables that needed to be accounted for, and he just wasn’t in the mood to ponder them all. He wanted a distraction. Anything to take his mind off the unrelenting whirlpool of emotions he was experiencing.

_Thunk._

Akaashi turned his direction to where the noise came from, which just happened to be his window. Was it already dark outside? What time was it? Akaashi picked up his neglected phone, pushing away the pang of guilt that surged in him as he dismissed the thirteen unread texts from Bokuto. It was already eight thirty meaning he’d wasted the whole day sulking. Great.

 _Thunk_.

Akaashi looked up from his phone, slightly irritated. What was making that noise? Akaashi made his way to his window, parting the blinds so he could investigate the minor disturbance. _Bokuto_. Akaashi stumbled backwards, hoping that Bokuto didn’t see him. Akaashi pressed himself against the wall to the right of his window, breathing ragged.

“ _Agkaaaaaashi_!!” 

_Thunk_.

“Hey! Akaashi! Hey! Hey!” Bokuto yelled from below his window, earning him an angry shout from the neighbors. Akaashi could make out Bokuto’s muffled yet spirited apologies, and if Akaashi wasn’t on the verge of having a panic attack, he would have had to fight the urge to smile. He dug his fingernails deep into the center of his right hand, leaving deep crescent shaped marks. What was he supposed to do here?

 _I think you should talk to him._ Echoes of Konoha and his conversation from earlier bounced around Akaashi’s skull. Akaashi thought he had more time than this. He had wanted to think this through, so when time came for him to confess his true feelings towards his best friend, he'd be doing it properly. But right now, he didn’t have that luxury. Akaashi hurriedly grabbed a hoodie from his closet before dashing downstairs, slinging some half formed explanation at his mother as he rushed out the door. Akaashi jogged up to the fallen star in his garden, who was holding another pebble in his hand, winding up to toss it against Akaashi’s bedroom. 

“Bokuto-san, why are you throwing rocks at my window?” 

Bokuto jumped, dropping the rock in surprise. “You...actually came down.” Bokuto murmured in amazement.

“If I hadn’t, you would have woken up the whole neighborhood,” Akaashi responded teasingly, hoping that’d help thin the tension in the air.

Bokuto laughed, albeit half-heartedly. “Hey, Akaashi?”

“Yes, Bokuto-san?”

“Wanna take a walk?”

\--

The two highschoolers were silent as they strolled through the residential streets, hands stuffed in their pockets, eyes anywhere but each other. Akaashi was grateful for this. It gave him time to put together a vague outline of what he wanted to say. Eventually, Bokuto led Akaashi to an empty playground with a small expanse of field attached, stopping once they were in the middle.

Silence had never been so deafeningly loud. It engulfed Akaashi’s brain, blurring his thoughts, his mind a mess of smudged ink. His mouth was packed with cotton, only allowing wisps of strangled noises to escape. Akaashi turned his face upwards towards the moon, hoping the gentle light would instill some kind or confidence in him. It didn’t. After steeling himself, Akaashi opened his mouth to say something, but Bokuto beat him to the punch.

“Dance with me.” Bokuto offered his hand like the proper gentleman he was, a bright smile flashing Akaashi.

“What?” Akaashi squawked, startled by the suddenness of the request. “Why?”

Bokuto shrugged. “Because I want to. C’mon it’ll be fun.”

“We don’t even have any music.” Akaashi rebutted, taking Bokuto’s hand anyway. He was never one to deny Bokuto.

“We don’t need it. Just follow my lead.” Bokuto instructed.

Akaashi looked at the older boy skeptically, huffing out an exasperated _fine_ a moment later. His hands hung around his waist awkwardly as he wasn’t entirely sure where to put them.

Bokuto took a step closer and took care of that however, placing Akaashi’s hand on his shoulder, and intertwining his own fingers with the other. His free hand hesitated before pressing flush against Akaashi’s mid back.

“Bokuto-san, this is silly. What are we even doing?”

“I told you. We’re dancing.” Bokuto said with a smile, taking a step backwards, pulling Akaashi along with him.

“Well, I could gather that much.” Akaashi deadpanned, watching their feet as they began to step in time with one another. 

It was all a little too much for Akaashi. Bokuto’s hand on his back, the headlights of the cars passing, the loud chatter of late night partygoers. It made him tense. 

“Hey, do you trust me?”

A pause. “Yes. Why?”

Bokuto offered no other explanation other than “Close your eyes.”

Akaashi closed them hesitantly, praying he didn’t step on the star’s toes. He was so focused that when the star began humming softly, Akaashi’s eyes flew open in surprise. Akaashi’s breath caught in his throat. Their feet were no longer clumsily trampling the grass, but gliding overtop a path of solar flares and color. Akaashi attempted to use a meteorite as a stepping stone, but the stability was iffy at best, and he ended up nearly tripping into Bokuto’s chest.

Bokuto held him securely against him, barely acknowledging Akaashi’s shortcoming as he turned them gracefully.

“You’re surprisingly good at this.” Akaashi mentioned, soaking in the sights around them.

“You think so?” Bokuto replied brightly.

Akaashi nodded. “Better than me at least.”

“That’s not saying much. You kinda suck.” Bokuto laughed as Akaashi lightly smacked his chest. 

“Sorry that I wasn’t prepared for your impromptu dance lesson.” Akaashi joked. 

Bokuto smiled wider- if that was even possible- their shoes dipped in an assortment of purples and blues. They continued waltzing until the blues faded to orange, the boldness of the sun taking over. Akaashi gazed at the brazen giant in awe. How was Bokuto not even the slightest bit fazed? They were literally dancing _around the sun._ It then occurred to Akaashi that a star is more accustomed to the wonders of space than anyone else. When Bokuto wasn’t busy with volleyball, did he come up here and share stories with the constellations? Maybe he played games of hide and seek with comets, sneaking around gas giants and asteroids. Akaashi indulged himself, thinking of all the shenanigans his star could get up to in the final frontier, only snapping out of it when Bokuto started to speak.

“You don’t have to tell me. Why you ran away, I mean.” Bokuto dipped Akaashi, cradling him in such a way that the younger had nowhere to look but him. “I know Konoha went and talked to you and probably tried to convince you that talking to me is your best option, and maybe it is, but...you don’t have to tell me until you’re ready to.” His voice was soft and consoling, but that didn’t do a thing to calm the heat flooding Akaashi’s cheeks. He blamed it on the proximity of the sun.

When Bokuto righted him, Akaashi’s head was spinning, and he wasn’t sure if it was because of the blood rush or what Bokuto had said. “Thank you, Bokuto-san. That’s very considerate of you.” It was a lame response, but the best Akaashi’s overworked little brain could churn out.

“I just wanted to let you know that we have time.”

The phrase teased the edge of Akaashi’s lips into a smile, his queasy uncertainty from earlier quelled. He had to remind himself of the epiphany he had the night before. Baby steps. Things like this took a bit longer to come to a head. Akaashi glanced at their joined hands, eyes softening. Yeah. They had time.

\--

When Bokuto finally walked Akaashi home, it was nearing midnight.

“Sorry for keeping you out so late. I guess I lost track of time.” Bokuto apologized.

“It’s alright.” Akaashi answered. “It’s a Saturday, so it’s not really that big of a deal if I’m out late. Besides, I had fun.”

“Me too! Even if you did step on my toes a whole bunch.” Bokuto teased, causing Akaashi to roll his eyes. 

“I’m never dancing with you again.” Akaashi sighed. He wasn’t actually being serious, but seeing Bokuto’s cute little pout made him snicker.

“You’re so mean ‘Kaashi.” Bokuto whined, draping himself over Akaashi’s shoulders.

“And you’re heavy.” Akaashi groaned, stumbling under Bokuto’s weight.

“Rude!” The defensive declaration was quickly followed by a yawn.

“Tired?” Akaashi asked as he opened the gate leading into his garden.

Bokuto nodded, shifting more of his weight onto Akaashi.

If Akaashi wasn’t such a sucker, he'd have told Bokuto to stand on his own two feet, but how could he possibly do that when Bokuto was so impossibly cute when he was sleepy?

“Did you want to stay over? I’m sure my parents wouldn’t mind.” 

Bokuto shook his head, now supporting his own body, much to the relief of Akaashi’s back. “Nah. I gotta head home, but thanks anyway.” Bokuto rubbed his honey eyes and smiled sleepily at Akaashi. 

Akaashi nodded in understanding. “Anytime.”

Bokuto turned on his heel, about to embark on the walk home, when he stopped. He turned his head back to Akaashi, who was looking at him curiously.

“Hey ‘Kaashi. Wanna go to the planetarium with me next week?”

Akaashi’s face softened at the proposal. “I’d love to.”

\--

The week leading up to the planetarium was relatively uneventful other than Konoha bullying him incessantly for not confessing. Every chance he got, Konoha bitched about how he had put in _so_ much effort, just to have Akaashi chicken out. 

And without fail, Akaashi would respond “It’s alright, Konoha-san. We have time.” 

\--

On the day of his outing with Bokuto, Akaashi discovered two things. The first was that he was anticipating hanging out with his star more than he had realized. He was buzzing with excitement, pacing in his room as he waited, just to let off some steam. The second discovery was that all of his clothes were so unbelievably terrible that he might as well not have any. He had ended up putting on an oversized navy sweater on top of a white dress shirt paired with some khakis, but he wasn’t exactly thrilled with his selection. He mussed with his hair in an attempt to remedy the blandness of his outfit, even sporting his glasses to add a bit of flare. It would have to do.

\--

Once again, Akaashi was anxious over nothing. Not only did Bokuto not hate his outfit, he told Akaashi that he looked really nice. Maybe Akaashi wouldn’t have to burn all his clothes after all.

\--

Having known Bokuto for almost two years, Akaashi had come to realize that his star surprising people was simply par for the course. He thought they had long gotten past the stage where Bokuto’s antics would render him speechless; yet here he was, blowing Akaashi’s mind with his extensive knowledge of the cosmos, whispering in his ear to not disturb the handful of other patrons in the planetarium. In a way, it made sense for a star to know such about his own. A map of the stars was nothing more than a family tree to Bokuto. Akaashi smiled softly. 

“Wanna hear about this one, ‘kaashi?” Bokuto asked quietly, pointing to the constellation Auriga.

Akaashi nodded, shifting in his seat so Bokuto wouldn’t have to lean over so far over to talk to him. 

Stars were such beautifully intelligent things.

\--

A couple things changed in the weeks following their little excursion. Bokuto tended to be a lot more affectionate towards him, giving him hugs before and after class and the like. It wasn’t unwelcome, not in the slightest, just a testament to how their relationship was evolving.

Akaashi had also noticed that thinking of Bokuto as just a teenage boy came much easier these days. It wasn’t that he no longer thought Bokuto was amazing, he was just more comfortable around the ace. He suddenly didn’t seem so far away. Akaashi only realized how small the distance between them had become when getting them an after school snack one day.

He was making some hot cocoa, and turned and asked “Hey, Kou, do you want the big marshmallows in your cocoa, or the little ones?”

 _Kou_. It had slipped off his tongue with such ease, he hadn’t even realized the nickname had left his mouth.

Bokuto looked surprised by the slip of informality, but didn’t say anything. He actually looked _happy_ about the development. “The big ones please.” 

It was a small step for them, but after a while, all those baby steps started to add up. The small but suspiciously frequent touches, the knowing eye contact, the heightened feeling of familiarity between them…

It didn’t take genius to know that they were both aware of each other’s feelings, the extent of that knowledge was undetermined, but they both knew they had _something_ together. It just didn’t have a name, and both of them were ok with that for the time being. They didn’t need a label to know how much they cared for each other. That, of course, didn’t mean they never planned on voicing the depth of their feelings. Both boys were just waiting for the right moment. 

\--

“No.”

“Aw c’mon, Akaashi!” Bokuto begged, holding his hand out to him. “It’ll be fun! I promise I won’t let you fall!”

“Somehow, that doesn’t make me feel better.” 

“C’mon! I just want to show you your present!”

“Bokuto-san, why is my present on the _roof_?” Akaashi asked, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“ _Pleeeeaaaasssseee._ ” Bokuto whined, clasping his hands together as an act of pleading. 

“Kou, it’s _cold_. It’s literally snowing right now.” Akaashi crossed his arms, signaling he was putting his foot down.

“That’s why I brought a blanket.” When that didn’t sway Akaashi’s decision, he tried a different tactic. “‘Kaashi, please? It’ll only be like ten minutes, I promise. You can even pick the movie we watch afterwards.” Bokuto bargained, making grabby hands at Akaashi.

Akaashi mulled the offer over before giving in. Apparently putting his foot down meant nothing anymore. “Fine, but we’re watching Pride and Prejudice.” 

“Oh my god, _why_. It’s so boring.” Bokuto said as he helped Akaashi climb out his bedroom window onto the roof.

“It’s not _boring_.” Akaashi defended with a huff, clinging onto Bokuto’s forearm for stability. “You said I could pick, and I did, so we’re watching Pride and Predjudice. End of story.”

Bokuto grumbled something unintelligible as he carefully led Akaashi towards the center of his roof. Luckily the snow wasn’t sticking, so Bokuto sat down, Akaashi situated between his legs. He wrapped the blanket around himself, and consequently Akaashi, rubbing the other boy’s arms for additional warmth.

“This better be worth it.” Akaashi grumbled as he shivered.

“It will.” 

Akaashi made the mistake of peering over the edge, his stomach dropping, his mind yearning for that familiar biting sting in his hand. Just as his nails pressed into his skin, Akaashi felt Bokuto take his hand and gently nudge Akaashi’s fingers away. “Stop that,” Bokuto scolded as he used his own thumb to soothe the angry marks on Akaashi’s palm. “Be nice to your poor hands.”

“I’m sorry, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi apologized, ashamed. He hadn’t realized Bokuto had picked up on his nervous habit.

“Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to your hands. Poor things. They let you do these amazing sets, and all you do is abuse them.” Bokuto replied, positioning his chin on Akaashi’s shoulder.

Akaashi didn’t respond, watching Bokuto massage his hand. Akaashi cleared his throat, desperate to dispel the sudden heaviness in the air. “So are you going to give me my gift, or you just going to let me freeze out here?”

Bokuto snickered. “You’re so impatient sometimes.” Bokuto pointed to a star, and said “See that?” Akaashi squinted and nodded.

“That’s your star.” Bokuto explained with a smile. It was undeniably cheesy, but Bokuto had put a lot of effort into picking it out for Akaashi.

“It’s a part of Noctua. Or it was anyways. It’s not really considered a constellation anymore, but I still think it’s pretty cool. The whole constellation is supposed to be an owl on the end of Hydra’s tail, and the way it got charted was actually kind of a funny story. It originally was a totally different bird that overlapped a little bit with Libra’s scales, so to make it less confusing, they just changed it to an owl so that it'd face the other way. ” Bokuto elaborated, a touch proud of himself and his well researched gift. 

Akaashi was touched by Bokuto’s earnesty, but he couldn’t help but laugh.

Hurt found its way into Bokuto’s expression. “Wha… Why are you laughing?” Bokuto’s brow wrinkled, a wave of doubt and insecurity washing over him.

“Please excuse my rudeness. Bokuto-san. It’s incredibly sweet of you, but I already have a star.” Akaashi explained, smoothing out the furrow of Bokuto’s brow.

“You do? Where?!” 

“Right here.” Akaashi booped Bokuto’s nose, pink and cold from the weather.

Bokuto stared agape at Akaashi, expression completely unreadable. Was that too much? They still hadn’t really talked about what was going on between them due to Akaashi’s inability to express how he was feeling, and maybe he had just crossed the metaphorical line in the sand.

“Akaashi.” Bokuto’s voice was a tad wobbly, the change in tone making Akaashi shift to face him.

“I’m sorry.” Akaashi stuttered, his face flushing with embarrassment. He wanted to leave, and apparently Bokuto could tell as he cradled Akaashi’s face in his hands, effectively keeping him from fleeing. 

“Why are you apologizing?” Bokuto asked, confused. His eyes were locked onto Akaashi’s, searching for some sort of answer.

“We haven’t really discussed what’s going on between us yet, and just… Aren’t you angry? Weren’t you gonna get yell at me for pulling you along? “ Akaashi’s speech was a bit hindered due to the fact Bokuto was squishing his cheeks, making him look akin to a pufferfish. 

“Yell at you…? ‘Kaashi, I was gonna ask if I could kiss you.” Bokuto whispered, leaning forward so their foreheads were touching. It was obvious he was just trying to hide his amusement.

“Oh.” Akaashi responded, feeling rather idiotic. Wait. Wait a goddamn, _motherfucking minute_ . “ _Oh_.”

“Can I take that as a yes?” Bokuto asked hesitantly.

“Yesh,” Akaashi whispered breathlessly. He gingerly removed Bokuto’s hands from the sides of his face, lacing their fingers together and closing the gap between them.

The kiss was clumsy, a little bit too much teeth due to their shared overzealousness, both trembling from the cold, but it was everything Akaashi could ever want. He felt his feet lift off the ground, the blanket slipping off his shoulders. Akaashi had to adjust himself as his lower half rose upwards, untangling his hands from Bokuto’s in favor of cupping his face in his hands. Akaashi’s curls hung limply away from his face, a welcome reprieve from the usual kinky mass so dead set on getting in his eyes. _My lips are tingling_ , Akaashi thought. _I guess these are the infamous fireworks._

Akaashi had kissed two people before Bokuto, and neither of them even came close to comparing. When Bokuto’s hand ran up Akaashi’s arm, he felt like he was breaking apart, and being put back together again. He was luminous, his body giving way to Bokuto, letting him imprint his stardust into his pores. And for a fleeting moment, Akaashi Keiji believed he was endless.

Akaashi was so over the moon that he didn’t even notice the meteor shower until Bokuto pulled away, using his forefinger and thumb to turn Akaashi’s attention towards the sky.

“Woah…” Akaashi gasped, glancing at Bokuto to see if he was just as starstruck as he was. He wasn’t, of course. 

“Thought you’d like a little light show with your present.” Bokuto said. 

Akaashi couldn’t decide whether to look at the night sky or his star. He decided on the night sky since he didn’t know when he’d see another meteor shower like this. He had half a mind to let go of Bokuto’s face -the only thing keeping him rooted in place- and fly up to watch the parade of meteors up close. He didn’t, but the thought was definitely there.

—

The two headed inside soon after as Bokuto’s mother had found out that Bokuto, in a moment of brilliance, had left his window open, letting the heat out. It was for the best as Akaashi was startling to get the sniffles, his hands almost completely numb.

“You said we were only going to be out there for ten minutes, you liar.” Akaashi pointed out, shaking the snow out of his now damp curls. He still was still defying the laws of physics, hovering about seven feet off the ground. He was learning the hard way that he wasn’t cut out to be an astronaut; he spent five solid minutes thrashing around in zero gravity as he tried to put on a hoodie Bokuto had lent him.

“You know I have no sense of time,” Bokuto replied, pulling on his fluffiest pajama pants. He didn’t really like wearing heavier clothing to bed, but he knew Akaashi got cold easily. His theory was that if he became a human furnace, Akaashi would get all cuddly with him, and then he could die happy.

His plan was a complete success as once they were dressed and Akaashi had regained his ability to walk on the floor, the younger of the two made himself at home in Bokuto’s arms, siphoning his warmth. The duo had cuddled like this a handful of times, but every single time, Bokuto felt like he’d won some kind of lottery.

Bokuto turned on Pride and Prejudice much to his own dismay. _This movie’s such a snoozefest_ , Bokuto groaned internally. He didn’t get why Akaashi liked this movie so much.

Bokuto peered down at Akaashi, running his hands through his raven curls. While doing so, he gave himself a better view of Akaashi’s face. Bokuto had always thought it was almost criminal how pretty Akaashi was. Everyday Bokuto added yet another item to his _long_ mental catalogue of characteristics that made Bokuto think Akaashi was too good to be true. Sometimes, when they were just enjoying each other’s company in silence, Bokuto liked to go through the list one by one ,and remind himself why each feature had been so carefully documented in his brain.

 _Eyes_.

Due to the angle, Bokuto didn’t have a great view of Akaashi’s eyes, but he’d lost himself in them enough times that he felt like he could imagine them just fine. They were blue, not like the ocean, but like the sky right as the morning fog started to dissipate. They carried a certain heaviness behind them from underneath the thick shield of his eyelashes that Bokuto wanted to relieve him from.

_Legs._

They were long and toned, and Bokuto was a sucker. Simple as that.

_Nose._

Bokuto had three hard drives worth of memories of Akaashi scrunching his nose that he deemed irreplaceable. 

Bokuto hummed for a moment, adding to his notes.

 _Nose: additional_.

Perfect place for good morning kisses.

\--

Bokuto was reviewing number twenty five: _Akaashi’s determination_ when he realized Akaashi had fallen asleep on his chest. Bokuto’s heart turned to mush, the softest smile of adoration on his face.

“You didn’t even make it through the whole movie, sleepyhead.” Bokuto teased quietly, still carding through Akaashi’s hair. 

“Hey, do you mind if I test run some things by you?” Bokuto asked. No answer. “Thanks Sleepykaashi.”

Bokuto sifted through his thoughts, gathering what he wanted to say. “Keiji- no, he wouldn’t like that- Akaashi, you’ve always believed in me, and I want you to know that I really appreciate that. People usually underestimate me a lot and don’t think there’s much to me, but you were never like them. I guess that’s what made me start liking you in the first place.” Bokuto admitted. “Then over time, I started noticing all the really cool things about you. Like how smart and giving you are, or how you always seem to know what to do. You’re so incredible, and I just wanna be around you as much as I can, you know? Wait, is that too clingy? Maybe I shouldn’t say that.” Bokuto pondered what else he could possibly say to get his point across. “ You’re kinda like the Earth, in my opinion. Like on the outside, you’re big and beautiful- Ok, maybe big isn’t the right word. You’re tall, we’ll put it that way. But I guess that’s kind of irrelevant huh? Anyways, you’re beautiful- and you kinda just pull everything around you in. You’re... Shit, what’s the word?” Bokuto scratched his head in thought. “Alluring! You’re alluring! But not everything can get in and see what you’re like on the inside because you’ve got this wall up. But sometimes a lucky bastard like me slips in, and past that wall you’ve got all these beautiful things on the inside! I’m glad I get to see that side of you. And if you’re ok with it, I'd like to see even more of you. I wanna know how to make you feel better when you’re sad, if you’re ticklish or not, what your face looks like when you’re having a good dream. I wanna know all sorts of things.” Bokuto’s cheeks burned from the unabashed honesty of his confession. “Guess if you’re the Earth, that’d make you my world, huh?” Bokuto added with an embarrassed chuckle. 

Bokuto nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt Akaashi lift his arms up to hug him.

“You were awake the whole time?” Bokuto yelped.

Akaashi didn’t say a word, simply squeezing Bokuto tighter. Even if it hadn’t played out like he planned, it looked like his confession was received rather well.

Bokuto hugged Akaashi back, shaking his head accusingly. “You faker.”

\--

Akaashi fiddled with his pinky and ring finger as he waited for Bokuto outside of the clubroom. Ever since he and Bokuto’s first kiss a month prior, he’d been trying to mangle the palms of his hands less frequently. When Bokuto had swatted his hand away and told him to stop, Akaashi could see how much Bokuto didn’t like the nervous habit, and decided to try something else. It took some conditioning, but he managed to switch over to just fidgeting with his fingers when he needed something to steady him. It was a difficult transition for him, and sometimes when he was really stressed he slipped up and reverted to his old ways on accident, but he was trying. _Baby steps_ , he reminded himself.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Bokuto greeted boisterously as he exited the clubroom. “Ready to go?”

Akaashi nodded, picking his gym bag off the floor. The two started the walk home when Bokuto declared they should take a train into downtown. The two texted their parents, and rerouted, heading to the nearest train station.

At a stoplight while waiting to cross, Bokuto took it upon himself to warm up Akaashi’s hands, holding them in his as he used his breath and the friction of his hands as he scolded Akaashi. “You should’ve worn gloves today.”

“I know. It just slipped my mind when I left this morning.” Akaashi said, smiling gratefully at the other boy. Bokuto looked around them, and when came to the conclusion that they were alone, pressed a kiss to Akaashi’s forehead.

“You’re a sap,” Akaashi teased.

“You’re so mean, ‘kaashi!” 

A snicker. “I know.”

The faux expression of distress melted as quickly as it came, replaced with that sun bright smile that Akaashi loved.

“Oh, it’s green,” Bokuto said, referring to the crosswalk. He let go of Akaashi’s hand, and Akaashi wished he hadn’t. Akaashi reached out for him, the tips of their fingers just barely missing.

Akaashi was so stupid. He couldn’t believe this whole time it never occurred to him, and he felt selfish and sick to his stomach. 

_Stars die when they fly too close to Earth._

At first, Akaashi’s brain didn’t even register what happened. It didn’t want to. The scene played out in front of him like an old film strip, one frame at a time. The semi truck whose brakes had been unknowingly compromised. Bokuto’s body in the street. The truck crashing into a pole as a last minute attempt to avoid Bokuto. No. The movie replayed. No. Again. He clutched his chest, not even realizing the scream that ripped through the air was his as he fell to his knees. 

Akaashi didn’t know the collapsing of universes was so _loud_.

A few people had rushed over upon hearing the noise, but Akaashi couldn’t find it in him to pay them much attention. He needed to get to Kou. He needed to help him, to fix all of this. _Yes. I just need to do what I can. I’ll keep him calm for when the paramedics come, and then everything will be alright,_ Akaashi reasoned. He crawled on trembling limbs towards the fallen star in the middle of the street, doing his best to avoid the asteroids that were hurtling down.

Akaashi had never seen so much blood before. It dripped down from Bokuto’s nose as well as accumulating into puddles underneath him, staining his platinum blonde hair. In Akaashi’s head, he knew. The force of the truck. The amount of blood. The mangled way Bokuto laid there in the snow. He knew. But he was delusional. _I just need to comfort Bokuto-san until the paramedics arrive,_ Akaashi repeated to himself. Akaashi lifted Bokuto’s head into his lap, repeating that sentiment over and over. The melting snow had loosened the hold of his hair gel, making it easier to run his hands through.

“It’s alright, Kou. it’s alright.” Akaashi whispered. Tears fell from his cheeks into the mess of blood and snow. “The paramedics will be here soon. There’s no need to be scared.” Akaashi cooed softly. He nuzzled Bokuto’s cheek, smearing blood on his own, and placed a kiss on Bokuto’s pallid lips. “It’s alright Kou.” The hunks of rock barreling towards the Earth no longer made Akaashi flinch, the consequences of impact seeming unimportant.

A concerned passerby approached him, obviously worried. “Does he have a pulse?” 

Akaashi didn’t answer, continuing to pet Bokuto and whisper words of encouragement to him.

It was only when she reached down to check herself that Akaashi humored her with a response.

“ DON’T TOUCH HIM!” Akaashi snapped, shielding Bokuto from her. She jumped and took a step back, deciding it was best to leave him alone. She already had her answer. It was obvious just by looking at Bokuto. Akaashi looked like a caged animal, but he quickly remembered Bokuto, and calmed himself. He resumed his mantra, brushing the grey and black strands rhythmically. 

Akaashi continued to do so even when the last bit of warmth had left Bokuto, choking back a sob. _I just need to wait until the paramedics get here_.

\--

The paramedics arrived on the scene about five minutes later, already not liking the looks of things. One of them rushed over to Akaashi, clearing his throat. “ Son…?”

Akaashi didn’t take notice, too absorbed in fulfilling his duty.

The paramedic tried again, and when there was no answer, he reached down and put his hand on Akaashi’s shoulder. 

Akaashi jumped, and turned to him. _Ah, the paramedics are here._ He looked from Bokuto to the paramedic and asked “You’ll take good care of him right?” His voice was so broken and raw that his throat ached with each word.

The paramedic nodded, smiling reassuringly. 

“Thank you.” Akaashi said with a wobbly smile. He relinquished the body to the professionals, standing up and brushing the clumps of snow and congealed blood off his pants. Another paramedic wrapped a blanket around him, interrogating him as gently as she could. 

Akaashi answered everything robotically, his voice only cracking when they watched the medics heave Bokuto into a bag. A strangled cry squeaked out, the tears falling readily as the world collapsed around him. The paramedic tried consoling him, but there was no possible comfort to be found for Akaashi Keiji.

Not when the world was so dim.

\--

He was dead on impact Akaashi found out later. _At least he wasn’t in pain for long._ Akaashi thought. It wasn’t comforting in the slightest, but a nice sentiment if nothing else.

\--

Akaashi attended the funeral, but not because he wanted to. It was more out of respect for Bokuto’s family. They’d been so nice about everything, letting him keep some of Bokuto’s things as mementos, even letting him sleep in Bokuto’s room for a few nights. It had been silly, but he thought if he surrounded himself with Bokuto, he’d at least get to see him in his dreams.

It didn’t work. He always found himself crying way too hard to go to sleep.

Akaashi did, however, decline Bokuto’s mom’s offer to speak at Kou’s service. He had nothing he wanted to tell these people. This room of strangers didn’t deserve to hear any of the memories he shared with Kou. His feelings for Bokuto were not a tool of remembrance to make others feel better. 

He was being unreasonable, and he knew that, but Akaashi thought he’d earned the right to that.

Currently, Kuroo Tetsurou was delivering his eulogy, looking so out of place it was almost laughable. Stuffed into a monkey suit, his unruly locks combed and styled for the occasion. It was so unlike the Nekoma Captain. Akaashi looked around him. Kuroo’s eulogy must have been pretty emotional. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. With the exception of him and Kuroo.

The older boy made eye contact with him, and Akaashi recognized himself in his stance. 

\--

After the service, there was an additional gathering at the Bokuto residence. Akaashi arrived early to help the Bokutos set up, setting down cheese platters and little cups filled with fruit. When people started to file in, Akaashi slipped outside into the garden, sitting on the edge of the porch.

The door creaked open to reveal Kuroo, who looked just as unwilling to be there as Akaashi. He silently sat next to him, eyes forward. Akaashi had only met the other boy a handful of times, and usually it was when they played matches against each other, so they’d never talked. They really only knew each other because of their strong connections to Bokuto. Maybe if Kuroo had been there that day instead of Akaashi, he'd have been able to reach him in time, and none of this would be happening.

Akaashi clenched his fist reflexively, letting the pain calm him.

“You know just because Bo’s gone doesn’t mean you should start up with that again.” Kuroo commented. 

Akaashi didn’t dignify Kuroo with a response, feeling contempt for the older boy.

“You didn’t cry at the funeral.”

“Neither did you.”

If the somber mood wasn’t suffocating enough, the silence added to the constricting feeling in Akaashi’s throat.

“Fuck, I hate funerals.” Kuroo said, leaning on his knees.

“I don’t think they’re something you’re supposed to enjoy.” Akaashi answered, swinging his legs mindlessly.

Kuroo grunted, running a hand through his hair, disturbing the perfectly gelled locks. It looked like it took half a bottle of product to merely contain his ruly mane.

“I was supposed to hang with him last week.” Kuroo stated. “But I canceled.” 

“I know. He was devastated. He sulked for hours.” Akaashi replied with a bite in his tone.

“Damn, you’re terrible at comforting people.” Kuroo said with a bittersweet laugh.

The image of Kou’s head in his lap flashed in front of his eyes. “I know.”

Kuroo glanced at Akaashi. “He wouldn’t blame you, you know. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Please don’t.” 

“He wouldn’t want you to isolate yourself.”

The words speared Akaashi’s heart. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Akaashi croaked. 

“He loved you.” Kuroo continued.

“Shut up!” Akaashi pushed Kuroo square in the chest, tears streaming down his face.

“He loved you, Akaashi.” Kuroo reiterated.

Akaashi thumped his fists against Kuroo’s chest weakly, his sobs sapping up most of his strength. This wasn’t what Akaashi wanted to hear right now. He wanted Kuroo to yell at him. Tell him it was all his fault. Give him somewhere to place his blame.

Kuroo harshly wiped a tear from his own face with the heel of his hand. “You were his world, Akaashi.”

The memory of Bokuto’s mess of a confession played in his mind, unraveling him. The softness of his voice, the genuineness, Bokuto’s calloused hands in his hair. He missed it more than he’d dare to say.

Kuroo pulled him into a hug, the younger staining his collar with tears.

“I never got to tell him.” Akaashi choked out. “I never got to tell him I loved him.”

“He knew.” Kuroo whispered. “Bo knew you did.”

\--

The pair stayed like that until it got dark, completely ignoring the gathering inside as they traded their favorite stories about Bokuto.

“He did not.” Akaashi said in disbelief.

“He totally did. You really shouldn’t be surprised.” Kuroo said with a bark of a laugh.

“I can’t believe he mooned a cop.” Akaashi said, shaking his head.

“Yeah, it took some real smooth talking to get us out of that one.” Kuroo reminisced. A pause. “Hey. Can I ask you a really stupid question? ”

Akaashi looked up at him. “Go for it.”

Kuroo seemed hesitant, not really sure if he should. “Where do you think he is right now?”

Akaashi’s brow furrowed, face turned towards the sky, searching for answers.

As if handing him the answer on a silver platter, a shooting star shot across the sky, a strange wave of recognition hitting him.

Akaashi let out a watery laugh, and smiled at Kuroo. 

“Home.”

\--

Adjusting to the world after the loss of a star was difficult. Changes had to be made in order to move on. Quitting volleyball was one of them.

Akaashi hadn’t wanted to, but it became clear what he had to do after a match with Karasuno.

Akaashi had surprised everyone the weeks following the funeral by keeping up with practice, his performance unwavering. He was playing unexpectedly well enough that the coach decided to put him in the Karasuno game to test the waters.

Everything had gone so smoothly until one particularly long and arduous rally. Akaashi was so pumped full of adrenaline, that when the set left his hands, he hadn’t even realized who he called out to until the ball had hit the floor. The court went dead silent, all eyes staring pitifully at him.

Akaashi didn’t even wait to be formally switched out before he left the court.

\--

3 years later

Things had gotten better little by little. Akaashi learned to cope, taking up writing and other insignificant hobbies to distract his grieving mind. It helped.

The thing that helped him the most wasn’t the poems or the late night walks to clear his head, but the understanding that Bokuto wasn’t actually _gone_. He was all around him. He’d imprinted himself in Kuroo’s smile, in the gentle wake of the morning sun, even in Akaashi himself. 

Kuroo was also a solid pillar in his healing process. They grew closer during their grief, and even moved in together during Akaashi’s second year at university. Their relationship was of the give and take variety, seeking comfort when things got bad and offering it when the other needed. Like when Kuroo would get that telltale look on his face that Akaashi learned to recognize over the years, like he was on the brink, and Akaashi would pull him to his chest and card his hand through those stubborn locks. Or when Akaashi would feel himself being swallowed whole like he did now, mutilating his palms to the point of almost bleeding; Kuroo swatted his hands away and enveloped him in a hug.

Akaashi gasped for air, his chest heaving erratically.

“Shhhh, ‘Kaashi, breathe.” Kuroo said, rubbing circles on Akaashi’s back. 

“I- I can’t.” Akaashi sobbed. He clutched onto Kuroo’s shirt, like he’d disappear if he didn’t hold onto him.

“Yes, you can. C’mon, look at me.” Kuroo leaned back a bit so Akaashi could see his face. “You’re gonna breathe with me, ok? Ready? In and out. You can do it, Akaashi.” Kuroo encouraged, taking deep, slow breaths for Akaashi to follow by example.

Akaashi did as he was told, his cries subsiding, Kuroo watching him to make sure he was alright.

“Kuroo-san?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we go see him?”

Kuroo’s jaw clenched. “Are you sure that’s what you need right now…?”

“I just want to see him,” Akaashi wiped his eyes on his sweater sleeve.

Kuroo sighed, checking the time. “It’s kinda late, ‘Kaashi. I don’t know if we’d be able to get back before the trains stop running.”

“We don’t need a train to see him,” Akaashi informed him. “Just get your shoes on.”

Kuroo was a little wary, but decided to humor Akaashi. He fetched his shoes and slipped them on, following Akaashi as he slipped out the door. Kuroo raised an eyebrow as Akaashi started to ascend up the stairwell that led to the roof of their apartment.

“‘Kaashi, where are we going?” Kuroo asked, panic arising in his voice.

Akaashi stood at the top of the stairs, opening the door, the lights of the city behind him illuminating his figure. “We’re going to see Kou.”

Kuroo’s mouth went dry as he practically fell up the stairs. “Hey! Akaashi! Wait!”

When Kuroo burst onto the roof, he exhaled in relief.

Akaashi laid sprawled out on the rooftop, gazing up at the night sky.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Akaashi. You can’t just say shit like that.” Kuroo admonished, sitting down next to him.

“Sorry.” Akaashi apologized, eyes fixed upwards.

“So… I’m kinda lost here. I thought we were visiting Bokuto?”

“We are. He’s right there,” Akaashi answered matter-of-factly as he pointed up at the sky.

“Wait? What?” Kuroo was more confused now than he was to begin with.

“He’s always the brightest one up there. The showoff.” Akaashi said with a weak laugh.

“Akaashi, I’m really not following here. What the hell are you talking about? There’s nothing there.” Kuroo’s tone was edging on frustration.

“Kuroo-san, he’s literally right there. He’s the star right under the little dipper. Maybe scooch closer and you might be able to see him better.” Akaashi suggested, beckoning him closer.

“Akaashi.”

“Sometimes I sit up here and talk to him. I know he’s got billions of friends up there, but you know how worried I can get.” Akaashi babbled.

“Keiji.”

That grabbed Akaashi’s attention. “Yes?”

Kuroo’s face was stained with tears, his lip quivering. “He’s dead.”

Akaashi’s face scrunched up in confusion. “Pardon?”

“Bo’s dead.”

“I _know_ that-”

“He’s not some fucking star or constellation or whatever the hell. He’s dead. That stupid ball of gas isn’t Bo. You’re delirious. You need _help_.” Kuroo didn’t know why he was shouting or why he was so angry. But he did know that the absolutely shattered expression on Akaashi’s face was one that would haunt him.

“ _I know._ I don’t know if you forgot, but I was fucking there Kuroo.” Akaashi spat as big, fat droplets dribbled down his face. Kuroo wanted to take his words back and stuff them down his throat again. “ I know he’s dead, but please. Humor me, just this once.” Akaashi pleaded.

Kuroo swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Fine, but on one condition.”

“Condition?” Akaashi questioned.

“I want you to think about going to a therapist.”

“Kuroo…” Akaashi warned.

“Listen, I’m humoring you, now you gotta do the same for me.” Kuroo reasoned.

Akaashi groaned and reluctantly agreed. “I’ll think about it. No promises though.”

“That’s all I can ask for.” Kuroo leaned back so he was laying on the cold concrete. “So how do we do this?”

“You just gotta talk to him, tell him you miss him and stuff like that.” Akaashi explained.

“How about you go first so I can get some idea of what to say.” Kuroo offered.

“Alright.” Akaashi brushed a rogue curl out of his face. “Hey Kou, I know it’s been a while. I’ve been really busy lately, so I apologize about not being able to visit sooner.” His voice cracked, but he pushed passed it. “I miss you a lot. Sometimes I see you in others, like you scattered yourself in all the people you love. And it hurts. But it’s a sweet kind of pain.” A pause. ”It took me a while to figure out what you left for me, but I think I finally figured it out. It was your love, right? You left it with me when we first kissed?” The star twinkled in response. “I knew it. Whenever I feel like I’m not doing enough, or like everything’s falling apart, I get this weird sense of relief wash over me. I thought it was a coincidence that'd happen every time without fail, but you never left anything to coincidence, did you?” Akaashi sniffled, a sad smile parting his lips. “I miss all the places you used to bring me. I used to think I was cursed every time you made me feel like I was flying away, but now I yearn for it so I could see you just one last time. But it’s ok. I’ve got time to figure it out. You know I’ll always find a way back to you.” Akaashi inhaled deeply, his whole body shaking. “I love you.” He concluded, feeling like a weight was removed from his chest.

Akaashi turned to Kuroo after taking a moment to put himself back together. “Your turn.”

Kuroo was crying, his whole body quivering with emotion. Akaashi crawled into his arms, and embraced the distraught man. “It’s ok. Take your time.”

“Akaashi, this is too much.” Kuroo mumbled.

“Just try it,” Akaashi urged. “Maybe it’ll help. You can stop anytime if you really need to.”

Kuroo wiped his nose on his sleeve, and nodded.

“Hey Bo. It’s me, Kuroo. Your best friend in the whole wide world.” Kuroo started with a waterlogged chuckle. “How is it up there?” Silence. “I guess I just wanted to let you know that I miss you. Everyone does. You were such an inspiration to people, like just the sight of your back was enough to get people feelin’ pumped. That’s pretty fucking powerful, Bo.” Kuroo felt like he had so much to say, but had none of the words to express them. “And don’t worry about Akaashi, dude. I’m lookin’ out for him for ya. He’s pretty strong though, he does just fine on his own, but I know you’d want me to keep an eye out for him.” Kuroo was on the verge of breaking down again. “I miss you.” He repeated. “I hope you’re doing ok up there.” The star twinkled again, and Kuroo guffawed. “Did you just fuckin’ wink at me? You see that, ‘Kaashi? I’m bawlin’ my goddamn brains out over that owl bastard, and he has the audacity to wink at me.”

Akaashi laughed meekly into Kuroo’s chest. “He’s somethin’ else.”

Akaashi and Kuroo stayed in each other’s arms just staring at the stars, much like the night of the funeral. They didn’t talk, just laid there wordlessly, sorting through their thoughts and unresolved feelings.

Akaashi felt the exhaustion from his grieving settle in, not even having the strength to tell Kuroo they should head inside, deciding to just let the sound of Kuroo’s steady breathing lull him to sleep.

\--

A bright light shone in Akaashi’s face, disrupting his slumber. Grumpily he opened his eyes, ready to let Kuroo have it when he realized his face was mere inches away from a star. Akaashi reached out for it, cupping it in his hands, marveling at how something so small could be so blinding. There was a churning in Akaashi’s stomach, the sense of recognition hitting him like a ton of bricks.

“Kou?” Akaashi murmured, eyes wide.

The star flickered, and Akaashi felt a dam break in him. “Kou, I missed you so much.” He whispered through his tears.

The star started to leave his hands, and Akaashi lunged wildly for him. “Where are you going? You can’t leave me again.”

The star paid no mind to him, continuing on his way. Following him, was a trail of gold specs the same color as he was. _Where is that even coming from_ ? Akaashi thought, before noticing the gold was seeping out from _him_.

“What are you doing? Give that back!” Akaashi cried. “I can’t do this without you!”

The star didn’t respond, even as Akaashi slowly began to plummet back to Earth. What was going on? Why was he taking his stardust away from him? His _love_?

Then it hit him. This was the next baby step in moving on. Akaashi swallowed the strangled wail bubbling in his throat, and whispered “Goodbye, Bokuto-san” as he closed his eyes and entered the stratosphere.

\--

Akaashi groaned as he opened his eyes again, his tongue coated in morning breath. He was in his bed, which was a new development. He suspected Kuroo had carried him back downstairs after he had noticed Akaashi had fallen asleep. Akaashi crawled out of bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, and entered the living room.

“Hey there, sleepy. Want some coffee?” Kuroo greeted, holding up the freshly made pot of coffee from the kitchen.

Akaashi nodded, shuffling over into the small kitchen and grabbing his favorite mug, holding it out as Kuroo filled it to the brim. Akaashi took a drink, letting it slowly wake him up. He peered into the inky blackness of his cup for a moment before asking, “Kuroo-san?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s the name of your therapist?”

**Author's Note:**

> lol soz *plays 1500s sea shanties*


End file.
